The Ugly Truth

I haven't posted because I haven't known what to say.

Just over two weeks ago, my husband and I found ourselves unemployed. Both of us.

I haven't known how to put into words my feelings. I haven't been able to discern what I should say and what I shouldn't with fear of damaging both my witness and also the witness of church. Our heart has not been, nor will it ever be, to cause dissension amongst the church body. What I do know is the past two weeks have been of the most difficult we have ever faced - both as individuals and together as a married couple.

Over the past two weeks, I have had many emotions. I wish I could say my heart has been one of grace and forgiveness, but it hasn't. I have felt angry, so angry. I have felt bitter, resentful, hurt and sad. I have felt broken-hearted. I have seen gossip rear its ugly head, and I have felt betrayed and abandoned both by people who hardly know us and by ones close to us.

While I am still prayerfully struggling through all of these emotions, I have also felt the Lord's provision like never before. I have felt the body of Christ wrap their arms around us and love us like only the body could.

Through this we have had to search our hearts to know what we believe about ministry. We know that ministry is God's calling on our lives, not man's. We know that ministry is never about a job or our paycheck, but is always about speaking Truth and pouring into people's lives.We also know that what we believe to be our calling in ministry may not apply to everyone, and we shouldn't fault them for that. But we will always stand up for God's call on our lives. We will stand up even when it costs us our jobs, our income, our financial stability.

I haven't known how to move forward. I still don't know how to let go, how to forgive. Some days I am still angry. Most days I am sad. And I miss my friends. Some days I wish we could move away - away from the familiar people, away from the familiar places, away from the memories - and start over completely. But my husband reminds me running away isn't the answer.

Many people have reached out to us. Some we hadn't spoken to in years. Some who have gone through similar situations. All have provided encouragment and prayer. Some have even provided for us financially. For all of these people, we are eternally grateful. We have been blessed tremendously.

A friend said something that stood out to me more than anything else, and I will remember it always. He said, "at some point, grace has to win over all things." And grace will. Grace will always win.

The ugly truth is we're all sinners. We're all sinners trying to do what we think is right. Unfortunately, sometimes we hurt people in the process. But there must always be forgiveness.

This begins the healing process.